i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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