I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
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