There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize
