umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
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