shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
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