i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
Randomize
