You just made me feel so damn special
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
