You would DIE at the bar we're at right now. All indian/asian med students, I swear
Asian doctor ratio. So hot. I would've gone into heat
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Randomize
