Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
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