I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Randomize
