That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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