I was at the bar last night dancing, puking in a trash can, and ordering another drink all at the same time. Have I lost my dignity?
haha no as long as you did hook up with anybody after that.
... oops
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
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