Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Randomize
