I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Randomize
