so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
