he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Just pee around me
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Randomize
