cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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