Btw I've read that book you bought me...And I'm such a bitch now
But I don't think guys love me
They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
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