i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
I just blew my weed a kiss
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
