I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
Question: terrible or awesome when a girl give you head so vigorously that you get a hickey of sorts
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
