I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
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