This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
