Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Randomize
