i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
i believe in u and ur pee
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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