Good face, no body. And apparently her vagina is related to chewbaca.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
