Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
It's shark week go big or go home
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
Randomize
