worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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