but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I want you more than these girls want KFC
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
Randomize
