you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
my god I love twenty year old dicks
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
