In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Randomize
