if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
I'm at about main and main street
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
