My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
someone threw a dead crab at me
Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
my shit smells like andre
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
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