I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
Randomize
