I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Randomize
