I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
Randomize
