Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Randomize
