I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
Randomize
