I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
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