I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
We named our party play list daddy issues
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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