Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Randomize
