If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
