Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize