Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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