You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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