He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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