I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
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