I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
he laminated a picture of his dick.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
