True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Randomize
