Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
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