My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Randomize
